Swing And Miss
by Shinsun
Summary: First side story for Not In A Million Years. This here is my thanks to you people for giving me 50 reviews on that story. The whole thing is from Goku's point of view, and hopefully it'll clear a few things up for you guys. It's possibly the longest one-shot ive ever written; and im really proud of it. Thanks guys, i love you all!


Swing And Miss

"Not In A Million Years" Side-Story by Shinsun

X

Why?

It was a simple enough question – one word even – but I found myself grating my teeth together as it repeated over and over in my head. Why, indeed?

I suppose this all started when Vegeta and I… did it… that one time. But for me it started way – _way_ – before that. For me it all started when a young boy met a pretty girl and had a child with her.

Of course that young boy happened to be Saiyan – though he, _I_, didn't know that at the time – but yes, that was where it began. And it ended – or I should say my old life ended – when that boy met a man from another planet… a prince. A man that had tried to kill and destroy me more times than I could count on both hands.

Well, I guess he finally did that, didn't he? No, he hadn't defeated me in combat like he'd sworn a hundred times over, but he'd finally brought me to my knees by the hand of my greatest and only remaining enemy; myself. And he knew it, like I did. He knew he had power over me even if his strength looked like a joke next to mine.

Backing up a little, I'll say this. I didn't believe Vegeta when he said he was pregnant. And the reasoning behind that was not that I was afraid to face the truth – as he believed – nor that I didn't think it was possible. I refused to believe it because it would mean that I'd finally done what ChiChi had been hinting at since I fought on Namek; it would mean that I'd finally screwed up beyond my power to fix. It would mean that I'd finally dug myself too deep to climb back out. And it would mean I'd destroyed the man I never wanted to see defeated; and there was nothing I could do about it.

So here I am, pacing the floor of the house that had once been both ChiChi's and mine; contemplating – _agonizing_ over – the decision to leave Vegeta alone. The mark I'd so rashly placed on his shoulder called to me; positively screaming, begging me to come back. I was hard-put to ignore the painful plea and stay here. It was for both of our own good anyway.

I still couldn't believe that Vegeta had kissed me when I told him – _commanded_ him – not to. He'd just laid one on me in the middle of the staircase. I can't say I didn't get a certain level of primal pleasure from the kiss – that would be a lie - but I just…. I can't justify why I got so angry. Not yet. Maybe if I explain what happened up to that point it will make more sense. Or maybe it will just make me hate myself more – if that's even possible.

Let me begin where I first started doubting my own judgment. It may not be where you expect, but that's where this whole …mess… started.

You expect me to say that I first started doubting myself when Vegeta asked me to have sex with him. Well, you'd be wrong there. I was confident in myself then; not another thought in my head. Not even what my wife might think or what the consequence might be. I was only thinking about how unusual it was that the prince was asking _me_ a favor; and I was perhaps noticing how good he smelled – even if I didn't know what that meant back then.

I'm just going to say this right now. If Vegeta were female, I would _never_ have done what I did. I thought that - because he was male like me - I didn't run any risk of impregnating him. Gods, how wrong I was.

What if Vegeta had been on top? What if I hadn't taken dominance then? Strange how I only doubt my choices from back then as I think of them now, but I digress.

The moment when I first started – consciously or otherwise – doubting myself and everything I stood for was – believe it or not – the moment when I ran into Trunks a week before Vegeta tried to tell me of his condition. The young demi asked my something that has stuck with me to this day. It was a simple, childish question in its own right; but it shook me to the core.

And I can remember his words, his tone of voice, as if he were speaking them to me now.

He asked me, "Goku, have you ever been in love before?"

I remembered looking down at him and thinking of saying "Well, of course, I love my wife, I love my sons…" but then I realized he hadn't asked me about that. He'd asked if I'd ever been _in_ love before.

….Had I? I always considered myself different – set apart, rather – from humans in many ways; but I assumed Saiyans could feel love too…. Right?

Like I said, that was the moment when I began doubting everything, even myself.

Then Vegeta tried to tell me he was pregnant. I…. I couldn't even _comprehend_ it… there was just _no way…._

And I turned the blame on him rather than facing the confession like I probably should have. I think deep down I knew it was true from the beginning; but denying it and making Vegeta into the bad guy – like he'd always been to everyone else – by claiming he was lying was _infinitely_ easier. Call me a coward; call me what you will, but that's how I saw it. if I didn't verify it, maybe it would just go away.

I faced the consequence of that choice soon after, when Vegeta almost killed himself just by training. It was then that I was forced to face the evidence of his condition. He was unconscious, and I removed his sweat-soaked shirt to check him for wounds and probed his chest and abdomen for internal injury. I'd have to be blind not to see the difference; and even if I _were_ blind, I'd still be able to sense the tiny ki spark flickering within the prince – though not his own.

ChiChi and I talked that night. She had asked about a zillion questions when I came into the house carrying the prince like an injured child. I answered as honestly – if shakily – as I could; and get this, she believed me instantly. Or maybe she didn't, now that I think about it. Maybe she'd just been lying. The fact was, if Vegeta was pregnant, someone must have _gotten_ him pregnant; and the only person who could have done such a thing was me.

Well, aren't I lucky?

I suppose it could have been worse, but it's really hard to think about that while your wife walks out the door with the promise to send divorce papers as her parting words. Maybe I deserved for her to leave; I _had_ cheated on her, and I hadn't treated her that great to begin with. But all of my thoughts as she left were about that young boy and that pretty girl, and how they'd both promised years after they met to stay with each other, in sickness and in health, until death do them part. Those words seemed cheap and insufficient now. Death had already parted us both – twice for me – and I hadn't stayed anyway when I had a second option.

So yes, Trunks, I have been in love. But not with my wife; I was in love with fighting. I guess it's time fighting and I got a divorce as well.

I promised Vegeta I'd stay with him until the baby was born. Because I had to. Because I would have failed ChiChi for nothing if I didn't, and because this was my fault in the first place. Me and my damn inability to say no to anyone.

X

The first time I kissed him was more an act of anger than anything else. The fact that every time he came near me I got weak in the knees with the smell of him, the fact that he always seemed to get his way, even now, and the fact that – even though I'd been dominant when this whole thing started – he had such power over me; it just infuriated me. When I tried to explain, the words sounded useless and jumbled and I just _couldn't_ tell him why I did what I did; why I said what I said. So I showed him. When I got close enough, I held him to me and kissed him with all I had. But that wasn't enough. I couldn't explain it but I wanted some part of him for my own. I wanted him to be a part of me. Instinct drove me on and I ended up biting his shoulder. And _gods,_ his blood was like a drug, his skin was like satin; it broke so easily under my teeth. I felt like I could drink him forever and survive by taste alone for the rest of my life.

But something in the back of my head warned me that once the mark was complete, Vegeta would instinctively bite as well. I don't know why, but the very idea terrified me. I think I was afraid of commitment because I didn't want to end up like I had with ChiChi; I didn't want this to end, but I also didn't want it to last. I knew nothing perfect ever lasted.

So I left.

Oh, but if only I'd _known._ The moment I left him standing there, my own body rebelled against me. I felt like my head would split open under the pressure mincing it from the inside. And then, not two hours later, I got the strangest feeling; like I was being betrayed in the worst way. The headache doubled and my blood turned to fire beneath my skin. I couldn't concentrate enough to IT, so I flew, following Vegeta's ki and knowing it would lead me right to… _Gohan._

I attacked my own son, my own flesh and blood, for the asinine reason of a simple misunderstanding. I attacked him because I thought that, in beating the person who had stolen what was mine into a pulp, it would relieve the pain and indecision writhing in my veins; pounding in my temples.

Only Vegeta stopped me from killing my son. I shudder to think what would have happened if he hadn't.

I tried to explain to him why kissing Gohan was wrong. Vegeta belonged to _me_ dammit! I had _claimed_ him!

But the prince didn't seem to think he'd done anything wrong. And again I doubted myself. Why had I claimed him in the first place? Why did it matter?

All I knew was that I wasn't about to leave him again. And to my shock, I didn't need to, because he left me first.

I knew he was at Capsule Corp. I knew he'd gone crawling back to Bulma, and for some reason, that made me absolutely furious. Was this what they called jealousy? I knew she could do things for him that I'd never be able to do. I knew she could tell him things that I didn't even know. And I knew she'd gotten closer to him than I ever had a hope of getting. But she wasn't his mate.

….Neither was I. Vegeta was _my_ mate, but I wasn't _his._ I wouldn't let myself be. Call it selfish of you like, but the thought that jumped to my mind then was, _I belong to no one!_

X

I waited him out. I believed he had to be just as drawn to me as I was to him… he _had_ to be, didn't he? I _couldn't_ feel this way alone; it had to be mutual.

But if he hadn't bitten me… then I didn't belong to him. It didn't go both ways.

Didn't Vegeta think constantly of that which he struggled to ignore day in and day out? Did he not war within himself about every little choice and word he made and said? Did he not have to hurt himself just to get the object of his attraction out of his head?

Oh, but I'd licked the places where his blood had stained my face and hands. And I had bitten _myself_ to get the same feeling of skin breaking beneath my canines, the rush of Saiyan blood slicking my tongue. It was nothing compared to biting the prince, but it kept me from going insane with desire.

I stayed away all day, and I lay awake at night, reliving the day's events in my mind; searching for answers where I'd never find any.

Though I was away from him for a mere few hours, it felt like an eternity. It was almost midnight when he invaded my thoughts. A cry for help; begging, pleading, sobbing.

I didn't even have a conscious thought before I teleported to my mate.

I was surprised to find him asleep. How could I help him if I couldn't reach him? So I sat on the edge of his bed and watched him toss and turn in his dreams; unable to bring myself to wake him. I tried to send him positive thoughts and energy to comfort him, but then I remembered he couldn't feel me like I felt him.

When he awoke, I tried to help him – that's what I'd come here to do anyway – and managed to pry the reason of his distress from him. A dream. Not a real danger, just a nightmare.

He looked dejected after he told me, like he expected me to leave. But _he_ was the one who left _me!_ I had no intention of retreating back to solitude. I lay down next to him, hoping he wouldn't send me away. He tried to lie to me and say the dream wasn't important; but his swirling storm of a ki signature and tangle of thoughts said otherwise. He told me he'd had a miscarriage in the dream, and obviously it had shaken him pretty badly.

I didn't know what to say. What does one say to the one person they don't want to shock, anger, disappoint, or offend? I hesitated for a long moment, then – before I could change my mind – I looped my arm around his shoulders and placed his head on my chest, combing my fingers through his hair gently in a gesture of comfort as old as the ages.

I wasn't aware of when I started purring, but once it started, it didn't stop until long after the prince was asleep.

X

I stayed at Capsule Corp after that, not wanting to leave again and face my conflicted thoughts alone. Vegeta and I got along pretty well until Bulma and Trunks left for the weekend. It rained; which meant we had to stay indoors.

I tried everything I could think of to not make the prince upset; everything from watching movies with him to answering his questions honestly. And I was completely unaware for when he kissed me. I couldn't react, and I didn't participate; in fact once I found my ability to move, I pushed him away.

Oh, I wanted to do _so_ much more than kiss him, you bet. I wanted to reopen the newly-healed bite mark on his shoulder and taste his electrifying blood and make love to him until the sun went down. But of course I did no such thing. I just… I couldn't. I don't know _why_, but it just felt wrong. Like scandal, like cheating. It felt… inappropriate, and strangely incomplete; like I was missing something.

Vegeta looked disappointed when I gave some half-excuse for my behavior, and that was the closest I got to him for almost a week.

He started wearing loose T-shirts after a while, probably because his skin-tight spandex shirts weren't fitting him anymore – he didn't think I'd noticed, but I had. Now even when he walked, the shirt collar would shift from side to side with his stride, revealing the dark scar on his shoulder with every other step. I was torn between wanting to pounce on him and wanting to bolt away from him whenever this happened, so I distanced myself and didn't speak to him. Keeping my secret desires just that – secret.

On the fateful day that had me still pacing even now, I caught the prince when he tripped down the stairs. Just a small act of protection; but it ended up with him knotting his fingers in my hair and kissing me forcefully. I couldn't break away, I couldn't protest, I could only raise my ki until I reached SSJ2. Finally, he released me. I backed away hurriedly, taking deep breaths to clear my head and get the overwhelming urge to bite out of my mind. I couldn't take it anymore. I felt if I even stayed in the same room as Vegeta, I wouldn't be able to stop myself from indulging, and something in my mind was still screaming at me that that wasn't right.

Then he accused me of being afraid, and I snapped.

"I'm not afraid of anything!" I shouted. I knew it was a lie; a very painful, obvious lie that he must have seen straight through.

I could sense his mounting frustration and it mingled with my own, turning to rage in the way frustration almost always does.

"_Prove_ it!" he challenged, and I froze.

He had just said the _one_ thing I didn't want to hear. The _one_ thing I couldn't face; couldn't make myself admit. I _couldn't_ prove it because it wasn't true, none of it was true.

_I'm sorry_, I found myself thinking, _but this is for the good of both of us._

"You want proof?" I forced my voice not to shake, as well as my hand as I drew it back.

_Vegeta, I'm so sorry._

I struck him with all my might, feeling the skin of his cheek break under the force.

I didn't even hear Bulma and Trunks as they stormed in, shouting. I was breathing hard, staring at the slow trickle of blood welling from the wound I'd created. And this time I didn't feel the need to taste the sluggish red flow. All I could think was that I'd hurt him; just like I knew I would sooner or later.

_I'm dangerous,_ the thought wouldn't leave me alone, and I had to grit my teeth as I forced out,

"It's over, Vegeta."

Then I teleported away, knowing he wouldn't follow.

X

By the time I rematerialized in my house, the tears had started. I had almost never cried in my life, but I was so confused and angry and hurt that they finally found a way out after all these years. _I'm sorry, I'm sorry,_ the two words became a loop in my mind, and I fell to my knees, letting the long-overdue tears fall freely.

I couldn't explain a nagging sense of trepidation, as if something was going to go terribly wrong.

X

And that was where I found myself when my whole world was turned upside-down; pacing the floor of the house that I'd once shared with my wife.

I stopped pacing as a surge of dread swept over me; and just as suddenly as they had poured into me before, every sense, every emotion, every connection I'd gained from Vegeta when I claimed him, was ripped away.

Let me just say something so you'll understand what that was like.

You know how when a room is empty and you fill it with furniture and people and life, it suddenly feels like a home? Well, Vegeta's memories and emotions were like the people and furniture that filled my soul, and when they were taken away, it wasn't like they had just never been there; it was like, as they were sucked away, they took a piece of me with them. A large, critical piece that I simply couldn't function without.

And as shock and despair were replaced with blind anger, I teleported again, following the prince's ki signature with one thought coursing through my mind like a storm;

_Vegeta, what have you done?_

_-Shinsun_


End file.
